Once I believed...

Once I believed-

My school teachers knew everything;

Everything written in the books was unquestionable;

But it turned out-

My teachers did not know everything;

even the most unquestionable history events

could be written in many different ways;

Much is depended where we are standing

and where we are looking at.

Once I believed-

My parents knew what was the best for me;

I followed their leads without doubts.

But it turned out -

they had no clue what was the best for me,

what they knew were their own unfinished dreams!

Sometimes we can’t realize our dreams,

simply because we are living in others’ dream

instead of our own!

Once I believed-

the more knowledge one has acquired;

the more intelligent one can become;

But it turned out -

those so called knowledgeable people I had admired

who could use eloquent words to argue from politics to economy,

from the religion to the black hole in the universe…

they seemed to know about everything

yet they knew nothing about themselves!

Real intelligence has nothing to do with -

how much knowledge one has accumulated in one’s brain

but how much one has known about one’s self!

Once I believed in the Cinderella story –

when we find our prince/ princess,

we will live happily ever after…

But it turned out-

there is no such a thing as ‘live happily ever after’;

most of our disappointments even come from

our exhaustively trying to live up to the fairy tale…

If everything else has its natural course of changing and renewing,

why would you and me stay unchanged?!

why would our relationship remain the same?!

Either because,

we both have not grown ever after those years;

we both remain in the same spot as we were;

Or because,

our relationship has transformed into some other sort of bond…

But, if our love has transformed to something else,

IS it the same love?!

Once I believed-

Religion was just some kind of superstition and unscientific;

Then I came to believe-

Religion can play irreplaceable role in unifying

our physical existence with our mind/spirit aspect 

(if it is not misused).

I have heard debates from the both sides,

and I have been in both sides myself.

In the end it turned out, at least for me-

there is really pointless to dwell on the differences,

what was wrong yesterday could be right today;

what was untrue for you could be so true for me…

Everything has its own timing-

timing can mean different from one person to another;

when the time is right;

when the soil is right;

the seed within each of us will be sprouting;

Just little more patience for each other;

Just little more acceptance for each other;

we will be able to make difference in other's lives 

and our own!

If this is my last life...

There are days I got so drown in my feelings-

feeling Laotzu’s disappointment of humanity 

when he rode his donkey disappearing in the west;

Feeling Jesus’s sadness 

when he was sentenced to crucifixion by ignorant crowd;

Feeling Gautama’s disgust 

when he looked at the drunken bodies scattering cross the floor after the palace fest;

Feeling Bodhidharma ’s stubbornness

rather in facing an empty wall than facing the unconscious crowd;

……

Feeling those great people were having the same emotional struggles

does not make them any less great but more.

But my heart starts to ache-

when I feel their intelligence being laughed;

their kindness being misused;

their real greatness being misunderstood...

It is sad for whole humanity-

because they DON'T need the world but the world need them!

What's meaning of life?

What's meaning of my life?

Is there life after this life?

Will 'I' continue exits ? 

......

I have exhausted myself in seeking for answers from the outer

just to realize I have had all the answers within me already from the very start!

Buddha says:

All the people we meet; all the circumstances ;

and all the happenings in our life are merely

the cause/effect of our accumulated karma over countless reincarnations...

Today if Buddha/God can grand me another chance to be reborn on earth,

I am not sure if that is what I want that any more.

I am growing tired-

tired of witnessing people living in such unconscious lives day in and day out;

tired of witnessing goodness being exploited but egocentric behavior being rewarded;

tired of witnessing human hearts are growing more and more corrupted;

tired of witnessing people constantly arguing like monkeys

and pushing responsibilities to each other instead of really doing something;

tired of witnessing people fighting and killing each other in the name of God;

tired of witnessing humans’ foolish and selfish doings are destroying the earth 

and all the living beings on it...

There was ONCE

I really wanted to change the world;

Today my only concern is-

to undo all the changes the world has done to me

to my authentic self...

If this will be my last life on earth,

I do not have much time to waste on wrong people or wrong things-

I can no longer postpone my hope and my redeem to the next life;

I can no longer pretend that I am going to have a second chance;

All the lessons should be learned shall be learned in this lifetime;

All my debts should be paid shall be paid off in this life time;

All my worldly attachments should be dropped shall be dropped in this lifetime...

If this is my last life,

Will I miss the feeling of wet earth under my barefoot?

If this is my last life,

Will I miss the smell of the freshness in the forest after a good rain?

If this is my last life,

Will I miss the golden rays of the morning sun?

If this is my last life,

Will I miss the soft touches from you

and the love in your eyes?

......

Maybe this is life is all about

where there is ugliness there is beauty;

where there is sadness there is joy;

where there is darkness there is light;

where there is separation there is union!

So fear not, my beloved ones!

there is no real death

there is no real ending

So please wipe off your tears

So please don't hold onto my growing cold body-

celebrate my life and my freedom instead!

If you pay a little attention,

you might feel my spirit is freed dancing-

in that great dance of love

which has no beginning nor ending...

I did not know any better

Once I was a meat-lover,

Mum was good at making everything delicious.

Governed by my stomach’s desire

I never questioned nor reflected

till I visited an open food market one day.

I saw the frightened animals stepping on each other in the crowded cage

trying to get away from their doomed miserable fate;

I saw the ducks just being slit open the throat hanging upside down

blood dripping down along their snow-white feather while the body was still twitching;

I saw the butchers counting the money with their bloody hands 

while chattering joking with the customers……

I thought my breath stopped 

yet the whole world around seemed unaware of the ongoing cruelties happening 

just in front of their eyes...

That day I cried like a baby.

I pray for the forgiveness of all the animals

having sacrificed their lives for the desires of my stomach over the years;

and I pray for the forgiveness of myself-

because I did not know any better

Once I had been complaining-

that I did not born into a better family;

that I did not come from a richer and more peaceful country;

that I was not more more beautiful, more intelligent and more healthy;

that I had wrong people in my life;

that life was too hard and too meaningless

……

But I was wrong

I did not understand the intelligence of the universe and its grander plan-

It is always 'I' attract what I need to learn into my life!

As the good people have taught me about love and compassion

so have the difficult people taught me about forgiveness and love;

As the good times have taught me about how to enjoy life and how to be with the flow

so have the hardships helped me to forge my courage and my spirit!

I should be grateful for whatever whoever coming into my life,

Love in such a depth can be so easily misunderstood.

At the time, I did not know any better.

Once I had been adoring-

the elegant people with the refined manner and the beautiful clothing

they seemed to be surrounded forever by the flowers and the beauty

far away from all the ugliness and the miseries

I thought they were the ones having succeed in life 

and they had grasped the secret of the happiness...

I was so wrong!

when I thought my dream was fulfilled;

when I became one of them finally

I began to see the true color behind the beautiful veil;

When I began to see not only with my eyes,

I saw the vanity, greediness and selfishness behind the beautiful façade;

When I began to hear not only with my ears,

I heard the empty resonate from the empty souls...

Everything is not what it seems;

People are not what they say they are;

What I had been chasing was no more than an empty dream-

far from the truth and happiness!

Real beauty is usually hidden in the most plain thing;

Real nobility is usually hidden in the most insignificant action;

Real happiness can never be found from the outer but from the within!

But at the time I did not know any better

Once I had thought-

Life would last forever;

You would be with me forever and forever.

Whenever I opened that door,

I would see your smiling wrinkled face;

I would heard your familiar voice calling my nickname.

You could not read nor write

you could not say beautiful words nor express your feelings

but it did not matter at all-

because when you had hardly enough for yourself,

you still managed to make sure that I had enough;

because when almost the whole world deserted me,

you stayed with me loving me ...

Don't you remember our agreement-

after my university I would find a job 

earning money supporting you and taking care of you instead.

But you did not wait.

I could not even say ‘Goodbye’ to you;

I could not even recall what our last meeting was alike...

My world turned upside down 

I thought I would never be ok again...

But I was wrong-

today I have made peace with your leaving

because I understand better how exactly 

life's impermanence makes our meeting more precious;

and the real bond can never be dissolved even it appears so in the physical realm. 

I no longer have the need to search for the physical evidence of your love,

because I still feel totally loved!

because today, I know better.

Follow Your Own Heart

When my daughter was five,

She asked me :

’ Mum, I want to be a princess when I grow up,

with a lot of beautiful dresses and glittering shoes,

and I am going to have a lot of big parties!’’

I smiled at her innocence:

’ If that makes you happy, my dear.’

When my daughter reached 12,

She asked me:

‘Mum, I want to be the minister of Sweden when I grow up,

so I will have the power to make the change to the world.’

I smiled at her big ambition:

’ If that makes you happy, my dear.’

When my daughter turned 15,

She asked me:

 ‘Mum, what would you like me to be when I grow up?’

Words were ready to pour out of my mouth

I knew I had a lot to say but I swallowed those words

because once I was a child like her

How easily can our parents break the wings of imaginations of a child?

How unconscious people can be to kill –

the divine spark of a child’s creativity?...

When I was at my daughter’s age,

I was made to believe-

that I did not deserve my parents’ love

unless I listened and followed their instructions

unless I fulfilled their expectation as a perfected daughter…

When I was at my daughter’s age,

I was made to believe,

Everything is conditioned –

I will not be loved if I don’t do what people expect of me;

I will not succeed if I don’t do what people expect of me

I will not be made happy if I don’t do what people expect of me…

Therefore I have spent years after years-

to make my parents proud,

to make my teacher satisfied ,

to make my boss not disappointed,

even to please my friends to make them happy…

But the sad truth was-

I have made everybody happy except myself…

When cheers receded into silence

When I was finally left alone

I washed off my makeup,

I took down my jewelries

I wore no more my smiles

Often I felt drawn to stare at myself in the mirror-

Who am I?

So often I felt like myself drowning into that emptiness and that darkness…

my soul wanted to cry and to scream beneath that perfected façade of mine …

So my dear daughter,

I will not tell you where you shall go,

Or what you should do with your life,

You have to figure out that by yourself!

But you have to learn to trust your inner guidance-

That shall do to lead you onto your path-

‘the path is right for others doesn’t have to be right for you.’

and You have to learn to have faith in your own heart’s desires-

That shall do to lead you onto your true happiness and abundance!