I was asked by a friend to write a few words about the
abandonment issue. I felt slightly hesitated because I don't know how far I
have come after man years' self healing and if I would still be triggered…
but I am going to find out about that soon.
I encountered
with my own abandonment issue basically head on directly after I was born into
this world. I was wrapped in a piece of sheet and dumped at
somewhere by the roadside directly by my grandparents (my father's) simply
because I was not a boy as they hoped… so there was I lying by the dusty
roadside alone from the morning to the evening...how many people
walked passing by me that day, there was no one wanting to have an extra mouth
to feed, plus for many I was not only just a girl but also an unhealthy girl( I
came out about one month too earlier)… To make the long story short, when my
mum finally had me back in her arms, my little pink winkled face looked pale
and dehydrated, and it looked like I was crying but sounded almost like a mosquito…
I would not have survived much longer like that according to my mum…
For many
years I have been working with releasing my resentments towards my parents for
having allowed this happened and for having treated me and hurt me through
their unconscious acts and words and for having not given me love and
protection which I deserved... but I see things very differently nowadays- in
order to understand the pain I must experience the pain myself first, because
through my struggle of desiring to heal it and to overcome it, I will gain the
knowledge and healing which may benefit whoever crosses my path later on- so it
maybe harsh and difficult for our human mind to grasp, but there is divine
order in everything if we so choose to have some faith towards the life. It was
not a punishment for being where I was but it was my soul's choice- a necessary
lesson for my soul's evolution... Withholding this perspective in my mind, the
overwhelming resentment I had towards my parents slowly disappeared, I started to
understand them and even developed sense of sympathy towards them after all we
all easily become the products of our time and our environments unless we
consciously fight against it!- My parents lived in a traumatized period
in China which they were subjected to the wars, the hunger, the famine,
especially the disastrous 10 year long Culture Revolution which made their
entire generation suffered physically, mentally, emotionally greatly- that is
why they were described as the lost generation later on. Everything was
upside down- all the moral and value systems were collapsed and twisted
completely... ‘Red guard’ students denounced their teachers; the children
denounced their own parents; everyone was turned against everyone… all the
madness and the distortions had turned their entire generation from
authentic to apathetic people, with the incredible sense of indifferences and
distrust among people… so in a way, I was abandoned because they were
abandoned... Life has its humor ever it is a pretty dark one sometimes.
But at
that time I was too young to understand the depth of things, I thought I was
abandoned because I was not valuable enough, good enough. Especially after I
having been also sent away to the countryside to live with my grandparents(my
mum’s parents) and late on being picked up back to the city to start the school
after nearly 6 years away from my parents which basically confirmed my own
theory of not being valuable enough and good enough to my own parents…I don't
think my parents understood what it was really going on inside their
six-year-old daughter that I was not only struggling with the feeling of being
a stranger to my parents and my little sister in my own home but also I was
struggling with such a sadness and desperation in my heart as if I was standing
on a no-man island, no one could hear me cry or scream because no one cared…
Besides those years we lived together as a family didn’t change much about how
I felt inside, maybe even worse- that cold feeling of the loneliness while being
surrounded by people…
In order
to survive, I developed my coping mechanism around people – I learned how to
keep my head down; I learned to how to be nice and trouble-free; I learned to
put everyone else’s needs before me…so I could receive some crumbs of love and
attention... it did not matter if I had nightmares and how I was afraid and sad
I learned to wipe off my own tears; padded on my own shoulders; and tried to
talk myself out of sadness…I became my own mother, my own father and my own
cheer leader… everything I could not express outwards was turned inwards, very
much inwards... At that time I couldn't perceive how all those momentums were leading me back to myself and back to the spirit realm…
I guess
it is a bit unusual to have such existential crisis at such a young age. A
normal six, seven year old child would be and should be more concerned with his
next game or her new dress instead while I was pretty wrapped with the
questions like ‘Who am I? Why am I here? What is the purpose of my life? and
what is the meaning of life? etc.…’ Though at times this fear of there is no
one out there who will be able to truly understand me and love me
unconditionally just for who I am and cherish me through the thick and thin
could bring the chills to my heart, it did serve its purpose somehow, because
otherwise I would not have realized how resilient, strong and how optimistic
and hopeful I was regardless what had happened, which make me almost have a
such an strong inner conviction about myself-if I could have made though
something like this without having my optimistic spirit damaged, nothing else
in this world can! Regardless, I believe that this whole childhood trauma of
mine somehow has served its purpose of bringing me closer to myself, and to the
Spirit...
Looking
back at my life, I can see how certain things have been presented and proved
over and over again- whenever I followed my intuition and acted upon it, things
would work out effortlessly; whenever I ignored my intuition and acted upon my
ego impulses, things would get stuck easily, ended up in failure even
disaster... Over the time, I have become more in tune with my intuition- I can
discern better with the voice of my spirit guides from the voice of my own ego;
and I am better at adjusting my life course according to my inner guidance; and
I have developed more trust toward myself and the life itself…which was not the
case earlier. I remember the very first time when I told my mum that I thought
I had invisible friends like guardian angles who were there talking to me and looking after me...
My mum became very uncomfortable with what I said, and she told me firmly not
to talk about those ‘nonsense’ to anyone else because I would be at risk of
being ridiculed or wrongly judged…and she also explained to me that during her
time there were many people who were prosecuted and even killed for their
religious beliefs or spiritual practices… So I got afraid and started to be
even suspicious about what I had experienced…
Today I
am glad that I have found my way back because the truth is the truth- I can’t
deny what I have experienced even though it can be difficult to explain to
others. What I have experienced was real for me, which was the communication
between me and my spiritual guides / angels for lacking of a better definition
for them, and that is enough for me. I am no longer that little girl, I don’t
need to explain myself to anyone - what is between me and the Spirit is special
and sacred to me and it shall remain so! Because I do believe, everyone can and
should establish his/her own unique and sacred relationship directly with the
Spirit, with the divine, with God whatever you call it, there is no need for
any religion, or priests or spiritual leaders to act as intermedia, it is
through your heart portal to your soul, from your soul directly to the
Spirit... which means, just by following your heart, and by
connecting with your soul/your authentic self, you will figure out along your
journey about your own ways of communicating with the Spirit, with the
Divine…that will be something special and sacred created between you and God
only, no one or nothing else should be able to take that away from you!
I
believe ever single human on this planet has some sorts of issues- self esteem
issues if it is not abandonment issues, or inner child wounds if it is not
narcissistic wounds… lists go on because this earth school can be pretty
challenging for souls at the times due to the amnesia of the souls upon
incarnating into physical beings; and also due to the heavy and distorted
mental and emotional energies on earth caused by human’s own contributions… as
long as we humans continue to ignore our intuitions and our soul purposes, and
continue this amnesialike existences by clinging heavily to the sense and the
ego's gratifications, we will not be able to heal ourselves or our mother
earth, we will be continue having our wound bonding collectively, with each
other, with our past and even our future…unless we relearn to bond with each
other through our authentic selves, through unconditional love, through the
deeper level of soul connection, we will be forever feeling abandoned and
separated from each other, from the universe and from the life itself!
According to Chinese Medicine philosophy, if we truly want to cure our
illness, we have to dig deep to find out the root cause. So we need to be
brutal honest with ourselves and be courageous to dive into our issues no
matter how hard and how traumatic it has been- Where did the pain originate
from- your childhood? Was it physical or emotional, or both? How is this
past issue affecting your present life for example, your relationships?... Stop
repressing it, stop hiding away and stop judging yourself, just shine the light
on your issues, with love and patience, so you can start with your own healing
process…It is like gardening, you first have to take away the insects, then you
take away the weed so the sun can shine in. After all the preparations, you
have to give some time, so the sun can do its magic to make your garden
flourish again! During this process, while you developing your compassion for
yourself, even for your mistakes and failures, you will automatically develop
more compassion for the others, because after all, we are no different from one
another- beneath the cloak of the races, the nationalities, the religious
beliefs we all have red blood through our veins; we all can shed tears to the
pain and burst laughter to the joy…
There
are two types of people in this world: those who view the glass as half full,
and those who view the glass half empty. This phenomenon is called perception,
and our perceptions profoundly impact how we experience life – so which type
would you like to be? We may excuse ourselves if we have been subjected to the
abandonment or other abusive issues when we were young and helpless, but it
doesn’t give us excuse to continue to live our adult lives under the past
spell... So please don’t hold onto your past, please don’t let your past define
your future, make peace with your past and move on! Tell yourself: Even the
whole world shall abandon you again, you shall never abandon yourself again!!!
We need to develop some faith towards the universe-that the universe is not
conspiring against us but for us no matter how difficult or absurd to our
conceptions at times... Because we have to stop forgetting about that we are
the spirits who are having some earthly experiences- we are living in the body
but not of it; and we are living in this world but not of it... This is a
lonely place to be if we hold onto our old identities of separate physical
beings instead of a wonderful place to be, for our souls to experience, to
interact with each other because when we are reconnected with soul identities and
soul purposes, we will have the feeling of connectedness, unity, and the
feeling of the whole universe is behind us… then there will be no more
abandonment issues or any kinds of issues but the experiences for the souls’
journey, even a bad experience will no longer considered by the mind as bad but
just an experience, an adventure…
Sometimes I still can hear the Spirit's whispers in my dreams: ‘…my
dear child, we have been with you since the dawn of time and we will be with
you to the end of time…only if you could see what we see - how powerful and
magnificent you are; only if you could know what we know about you- that you
are made of nothing else but of the pure love and light; only if you could
believe how much you are loved and blessed … you wouldn’t ever need to feel
insecure or lonely; you wouldn’t ever need to beg for some crumbs of love
…because YOU ARE THAT LOVE…’’
