To My Mom

My mom is a incredible woman

loving, charismatic and courageous

Yet, someone so loving like her

has been taken advantage of her good nature by some;

Yet, someone so charismatic like her

could not have her own dreams fulfilled;

Yet, someone so courageous like her

could not escape from the guilt trips of those so called virtues …

Mom was raised by her parents to be virtuous-

putting family’s needs before her own needs;

Mom was taught by her teachers to be virtuous-

serving the group’s ideas before her own dreams;

Mom was demanded by the communist party to be virtuous-

always ready to sacrifice her personal interests for her country…

Throughout her life -

she has been constantly reminded-

As an individual, in comparison with collectivity,

she is nothing but insignificant and invaluable…

Somehow especially the virtue of sacrifice

has become the major theme of mom’s life -

As she is always ready to sacrifice

her own needs, her own desires, her own dreams,

and even her own happiness,

for her children, for her husband

and for everyone else…...

My beloved mom,

as your blood is running in my veins;

as I feel so connected to you as I have always

with or without words.

Over those years -

I have witnessed many rewards and praises you have received;

Yet it seemed that they have never brought you with real joy…

Even in that uncompromising silence,

I still could sense the deep sorrow within you …

As if, your heart has forgotten how to sing;

As if, your dreams have no longer the wings;

As if, you have forgotten the simple joys of life-

like we used to bend down smelling the flowers by the roadside;

like we used to run around bare feet in the rain like fools;

like we used to lie down on the grass counting the stars…

Since when have you become so consumed

by the very life you loved so dearly once?!

It seems what life has left for you is -

nothing but the endless duties waited to be fulfilled

day in and day out…

Though from those sacrifices you have made,

I have learned what the depth of love can be,

and what unselfish love of a mother can be…

Yet, the thought of your sorrow and unhappiness

has never failed to sadden me every single time;

and has never failed to keep me awake in the dark nights…

I have been keeping wondering -

what’s the point of sacrificing

if it can’t bring joy nor fulfillment into one’s life?!

Just because a virtue is taught by someone,

does it make it more virtuous?

Just because a rule is made by some authority

does it make it more authoritative?

Just because an ideology has been inherited from our ancestors,

does it make it more ethical and more rightful?

……

Have we ever questioned if our limited knowledge can sometimes

also serve as hindrance to our unlimited potentials?

Have we ever questioned if some sound ideologies can sometimes

be used as the most dangerous weapons to some obscure causes?

Have we ever questioned if all those so called virtues can sometimes

lead us astray towards the vicious guilt trips passing from one generation to another?

……

I like what Mahatma Gandhi said-

‘The sacrifice which causes sorrow to the doer is no real sacrifice.

Real sacrifice lightens the mind of the doer with a sense of peace and joy.

Thus the Buddha gave up the pleasures of life

because they had become painful burden for him.’

So my dear mom,

Please let me lead you the way this time as you have always done for me;

Please stop paying attention to the guilt programs in your head;

To be happy is every living being’s birthright!

You are the miraculous creation of life;

You are the link to my life and to the life source itself;

You are the link to the past, the present and future;

You are as equal and as precious as anyone else;

Don’t let anyone or anything that tells you otherwise!

If there is no one or nothing can bring the happiness upon you,

then bring it upon yourself-

Honor your own needs and your desires;

Make yourself less available for those joyless sacrifice whatever it may claim;

Make yourself more space for the joy and light streaming into your life…

Even the Buddha has taught us:

'You, as much as anybody in the entire universe,

deserve your love and affection! ’

Because, the truth is -

A sad mother will most likely

bring guilt and sadness upon herself and the others around regardless;

While a happy mother will have the real capacity

not only to bring the fulfillment and joy upon herself

but also anyone in her very existence!

As a daughter who loves her mom very much,

she neither need a martyr mom nor a heroic mom,

but desperately need a happy mom !

House of Souls

Still I have ancient vivid memories of you:

your words are still echoing in my ears;

your passions are still inspiring me forth;

your love is forever warming my heart 

even in the coldest loneliest night…

In the house of souls-

there is no one can understand my deepest longings as you do;

there is no one can know the secrets of all my love and all my sorrow as you do;

there is no one can see through my loneliness and my frustrations as you do;

there is no one can understand my struggle-

between my soaring-free spirit and my bonded physical reality as you do…

But somehow, somewhere,

I got lost in my own astrays and I got separated from you,

I have been longing for getting back to you since-

even it is just for one glance;

even it is just for one touch …

Haven’t you told me once:

‘If you can keep your mind undivided;

If you can keep your thoughts purified;

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoings and right doings,

there is a field,

I shall meet you there.’

thus I have been trying to cross the oceans and the continents-

looking for you,

Yet, I could not find you...

Is it because that I haven’t given up my mind enough?

Is it because that I haven’t purified my thoughts enough?

Haven’t you told me once:

‘when you become no longer interested in arguing and convincing;

when you become attuned towards the serenity of silence;

then I shall meet you there.’

thus I have been meditating on Gibran’s poems and Rumi's dance

desperately looking for the signs of you;

Yet, I could not find you...

Is it because that I haven’t detached from my own ideas enough?

Is it because that I haven’t quietened my senses enough?

Haven’t you told me once:

‘when you have learned gratitude from happiness;

when you have learned humbleness from the pains;

when you have gained the capacity of transforming

any situation into learning experience;

when you have the tenderness preserved in your heart even when you are hurt;

when you have the joy brought to the others even when you are in sorrow…

then I shall meet you there.’

thus I have been waiting for you from the sunrise to the sunset;

from the leaves turning green to brown;

Yet, I could not find you...

Is it because that I haven’t wounded enough?

Is it because that I haven’t learned enough?

Haven’t you told me once:

‘Our love is ancient and eternal;

our love is beyond time and space;

So there is no need to be too concerned about one lifetime’s gains or losses;

So there is no need to be too consumed by others' opinions or conventions;

Instead, focus in living this life true to your self;

Instead , focus in working out your attachments and your karma in this lifetime;

then I shall meet you on another side…’

Or, I have misunderstood you from the start?

Or, I have been looking for you in the wrong places?

Or, I have never really got separated from you?

Or actually, you have been with me all along...?!

Maybe, I can just find you there in my laughs and dances;

Maybe, I can just find you there in my tears and silence;

Maybe, You have been already in my dreams thousands times-

caressing my sorrow and healing my weary heart...

Maybe, in the house of the souls,

there is no you and there is no me,

YOU are ME and I am YOU!

Easter Essays

I

When you have been staying on the path long enough,

You might find out one day -

there is no such a thing as one defined righteous path.

Indeed, there are many roads leading to Rome!

When you have been keeping your mind open long enough,

You might reach a point one day-

the others’ ‘God’ is no different from yours,

even though you may call in different names!

When you have walked through as many valleys as mountains,

You might have built up enough faith in believing-

the truth has been always here and always available.

Those highly evolved beings who understand the truth-

thus have little interest in creating any more dogmas,

but merely keeping serve us as a reminder-

for what we have forgotten!

II

Sometimes,

Life is like climbing a mountain.

Just like everyone else,

I have been very busying with climbing;

busying with getting ahead of everyone...

Finally,

I managed to leave many behind and reached the top,

but it was not what I thought -

there are already others on the top!

and there is another mountain higher than the one I just have conquered!

I had thought,

I would have my total satisfaction once my goal was reached,

but instead I was gripped by some kind of lost feeling...

Because,

I came to realize-

the stupidity of chasing those kinds of non-stop ego dreams;

Because,

I came to realize how much I have missed-

I have missed the seasons along my way;

I have missed the flowers’ dance along my way;

I have missed the birds whispering along my way;

I have missed the sweet smiles along my way...

Most of all,

I have missed that unsung song in my own heart!

III

You came 

asking me for help:

‘Please help me! Please heal me!

I feel so unhappy with my life and I am so fed up with everyone!’

But from what I have seen and what I have heard,

I am in doubt- 

that you either want to be helped or to be healed,

Because,

All you could think about were others’ wrongdoings;

Because,

All you could talk about was your pain and misery!

You were keeping attending to your negativities for so long-

so they have become part of your blood and flesh;

You were keeping feeding your energy to your pains for so long-

so they have become part of your identity!

I can't help you-

unless you really want to be helped or to be healed yourself;

and, I can't help you more than you can help yourself either!

So please help yourself trying to believe -

that you DO always have the choice regardless how it may seem otherwise;

So please help yourself trying to take in those words-

‘Physical pain is just natural phenomenon while suffering is your own choice’!

Notions of Mind - To my friend Eva

Only a year ago

we were attending a funeral together

we were discussing about life and death

While yesterday

I was attending your funeral

Standing in front of the newly prepared grave ground

I could not hold back my tears …

I knew you would have teased me loudly-

‘So esoteric, so spiritual, yet so emotional you!’

Are you with me right now, my friend?

Am I dwelling in your spirit or you are in mine?

You have left the world with your book about death,

While you have left me with those unfinished discussions about our‘Who says’…

Who says- 

Life is good, death is bad?

Who says- 

This is right, that is wrong?

Who says-

Praise is better than the criticism?

Who says- 

A spiritual man is holier than a decent ordinary man?

Who says- 

More knowledge makes a man more intelligent?

Who says- 

This religion is better than that religion?

This idea is better than another idea?

Who says- 

Success in the eyes of the world does it necessarily means

the success in the heart of your own?

……

Aren't all those are just the notions of our mind?!

Old leaves are falling,

new leaves are replacing the old ones.

Who says they are the same leaves?!

And who says they are different leaves?!

One moment we are happy

Next moment we are sad

One moment we think the world is beautiful

Next moment we think the world is helllike

Have people around us really changed during this time?

Has the world really changed during this time?

Or is it merely the status of our mind has changed?!

It reminds me of one of the classic Zen stories-

Two monks were having philosophical debate about

a flag fluttering in the wind.

One insisted that it was the flag itself moving;

Another insisted that it was the wind moving;

When Zen master Huineng overheard their debate,

he swiftly settled the argument by saying:

‘It is neither the flag nor the wind moves.

It is your mind that moves.’

That is often the case- Our mind Moves!

Thus our own real time reality is being created!

Knowing our mind is constantly shifting between

the cloudiness and the clarity;

Knowing our mind is constantly trying to

make senses of everything around us;

Yet too often,

we still regard the notions of our mind as the rightful facts,

ready to fight and argue with anyone who stands in the opposition.

Yet too often,

the real motives behind are no more than the silly ego justifications!

Thus, if we could make peace with ourselves-

that our mind is not always in clarity;

that our mind is not in a static status but a constant changing status;

that our mind is not capable of all the answers-

which doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Sometimes maybe no answer is already the best answer

No sense already makes the perfect sense

After all, an answer also means it has come to a destination,

a stop, an end point.

For those essential yet subtle questions,

they are better to remain unanswered and undefined

they are better to remain open as the limitless sky......

Farewell, my friend, till we meet again!

With love,

Sophia

Little Girl

People like to say to me:

‘ Little girl,

you don’t know the sadness in life.

there is little shadow in your eyes;

there is little burden on your shoulders;

you are smiling at the world –

as if there is no darkness

you don’t know the reality of life, little girl.’

Oh no, please don’t judge me !

I may be little

I may not wear sadness on my face

It doesn’t mean that I don’t understand life

It simply means that-

I prefer happiness than sadness!

People like to say to me:

‘Little girl,

you don’t know what it feels like-

not being loved and not being treated well

you seem to always have people around you 

loving you and adoring you...

you don’t know the reality of life, little girl.’

Oh no, please don’t judge me!

I may be little

I may not tear in front of you

It doesn’t mean that I have not gone through hell!

It simply means that-

I prefer self love than begging for love from the others!

People like to say to me:

‘Little girl,

you don’t understand the ugliness and cruelty behind the pretty masks…

you would not be so naïve nor so trusting towards people

if you have known better, little girl.’

Oh no, please don’t judge me!

I may be little

But I am not naïve when it comes to human’s nature

It simply means that-

I prefer to look for light than darkness in people!

So judge NOT !

 (

Once I believed...

Once I believed-

My school teachers knew everything;

Everything written in the books was unquestionable;

But it turned out-

My teachers did not know everything;

even the most unquestionable history events

could be written in many different ways;

Much is depended where we are standing

and where we are looking at.

Once I believed-

My parents knew what was the best for me;

I followed their leads without doubts.

But it turned out -

they had no clue what was the best for me,

what they knew were their own unfinished dreams!

Sometimes we can’t realize our dreams,

simply because we are living in others’ dream

instead of our own!

Once I believed-

the more knowledge one has acquired;

the more intelligent one can become;

But it turned out -

those so called knowledgeable people I had admired

who could use eloquent words to argue from politics to economy,

from the religion to the black hole in the universe…

they seemed to know about everything

yet they knew nothing about themselves!

Real intelligence has nothing to do with -

how much knowledge one has accumulated in one’s brain

but how much one has known about one’s self!

Once I believed in the Cinderella story –

when we find our prince/ princess,

we will live happily ever after…

But it turned out-

there is no such a thing as ‘live happily ever after’;

most of our disappointments even come from

our exhaustively trying to live up to the fairy tale…

If everything else has its natural course of changing and renewing,

why would you and me stay unchanged?!

why would our relationship remain the same?!

Either because,

we both have not grown ever after those years;

we both remain in the same spot as we were;

Or because,

our relationship has transformed into some other sort of bond…

But, if our love has transformed to something else,

IS it the same love?!

Once I believed-

Religion was just some kind of superstition and unscientific;

Then I came to believe-

Religion can play irreplaceable role in unifying

our physical existence with our mind/spirit aspect 

(if it is not misused).

I have heard debates from the both sides,

and I have been in both sides myself.

In the end it turned out, at least for me-

there is really pointless to dwell on the differences,

what was wrong yesterday could be right today;

what was untrue for you could be so true for me…

Everything has its own timing-

timing can mean different from one person to another;

when the time is right;

when the soil is right;

the seed within each of us will be sprouting;

Just little more patience for each other;

Just little more acceptance for each other;

we will be able to make difference in other's lives 

and our own!