I did not know any better

Once I was a meat-lover,

Mum was good at making everything delicious.

Governed by my stomach’s desire

I never questioned nor reflected

till I visited an open food market one day.

I saw the frightened animals stepping on each other in the crowded cage

trying to get away from their doomed miserable fate;

I saw the ducks just being slit open the throat hanging upside down

blood dripping down along their snow-white feather while the body was still twitching;

I saw the butchers counting the money with their bloody hands 

while chattering joking with the customers……

I thought my breath stopped 

yet the whole world around seemed unaware of the ongoing cruelties happening 

just in front of their eyes...

That day I cried like a baby.

I pray for the forgiveness of all the animals

having sacrificed their lives for the desires of my stomach over the years;

and I pray for the forgiveness of myself-

because I did not know any better

Once I had been complaining-

that I did not born into a better family;

that I did not come from a richer and more peaceful country;

that I was not more more beautiful, more intelligent and more healthy;

that I had wrong people in my life;

that life was too hard and too meaningless

……

But I was wrong

I did not understand the intelligence of the universe and its grander plan-

It is always 'I' attract what I need to learn into my life!

As the good people have taught me about love and compassion

so have the difficult people taught me about forgiveness and love;

As the good times have taught me about how to enjoy life and how to be with the flow

so have the hardships helped me to forge my courage and my spirit!

I should be grateful for whatever whoever coming into my life,

Love in such a depth can be so easily misunderstood.

At the time, I did not know any better.

Once I had been adoring-

the elegant people with the refined manner and the beautiful clothing

they seemed to be surrounded forever by the flowers and the beauty

far away from all the ugliness and the miseries

I thought they were the ones having succeed in life 

and they had grasped the secret of the happiness...

I was so wrong!

when I thought my dream was fulfilled;

when I became one of them finally

I began to see the true color behind the beautiful veil;

When I began to see not only with my eyes,

I saw the vanity, greediness and selfishness behind the beautiful façade;

When I began to hear not only with my ears,

I heard the empty resonate from the empty souls...

Everything is not what it seems;

People are not what they say they are;

What I had been chasing was no more than an empty dream-

far from the truth and happiness!

Real beauty is usually hidden in the most plain thing;

Real nobility is usually hidden in the most insignificant action;

Real happiness can never be found from the outer but from the within!

But at the time I did not know any better

Once I had thought-

Life would last forever;

You would be with me forever and forever.

Whenever I opened that door,

I would see your smiling wrinkled face;

I would heard your familiar voice calling my nickname.

You could not read nor write

you could not say beautiful words nor express your feelings

but it did not matter at all-

because when you had hardly enough for yourself,

you still managed to make sure that I had enough;

because when almost the whole world deserted me,

you stayed with me loving me ...

Don't you remember our agreement-

after my university I would find a job 

earning money supporting you and taking care of you instead.

But you did not wait.

I could not even say ‘Goodbye’ to you;

I could not even recall what our last meeting was alike...

My world turned upside down 

I thought I would never be ok again...

But I was wrong-

today I have made peace with your leaving

because I understand better how exactly 

life's impermanence makes our meeting more precious;

and the real bond can never be dissolved even it appears so in the physical realm. 

I no longer have the need to search for the physical evidence of your love,

because I still feel totally loved!

because today, I know better.

Follow Your Own Heart

When my daughter was five,

She asked me :

’ Mum, I want to be a princess when I grow up,

with a lot of beautiful dresses and glittering shoes,

and I am going to have a lot of big parties!’’

I smiled at her innocence:

’ If that makes you happy, my dear.’

When my daughter reached 12,

She asked me:

‘Mum, I want to be the minister of Sweden when I grow up,

so I will have the power to make the change to the world.’

I smiled at her big ambition:

’ If that makes you happy, my dear.’

When my daughter turned 15,

She asked me:

 ‘Mum, what would you like me to be when I grow up?’

Words were ready to pour out of my mouth

I knew I had a lot to say but I swallowed those words

because once I was a child like her

How easily can our parents break the wings of imaginations of a child?

How unconscious people can be to kill –

the divine spark of a child’s creativity?...

When I was at my daughter’s age,

I was made to believe-

that I did not deserve my parents’ love

unless I listened and followed their instructions

unless I fulfilled their expectation as a perfected daughter…

When I was at my daughter’s age,

I was made to believe,

Everything is conditioned –

I will not be loved if I don’t do what people expect of me;

I will not succeed if I don’t do what people expect of me

I will not be made happy if I don’t do what people expect of me…

Therefore I have spent years after years-

to make my parents proud,

to make my teacher satisfied ,

to make my boss not disappointed,

even to please my friends to make them happy…

But the sad truth was-

I have made everybody happy except myself…

When cheers receded into silence

When I was finally left alone

I washed off my makeup,

I took down my jewelries

I wore no more my smiles

Often I felt drawn to stare at myself in the mirror-

Who am I?

So often I felt like myself drowning into that emptiness and that darkness…

my soul wanted to cry and to scream beneath that perfected façade of mine …

So my dear daughter,

I will not tell you where you shall go,

Or what you should do with your life,

You have to figure out that by yourself!

But you have to learn to trust your inner guidance-

That shall do to lead you onto your path-

‘the path is right for others doesn’t have to be right for you.’

and You have to learn to have faith in your own heart’s desires-

That shall do to lead you onto your true happiness and abundance!

Centeredness

Hemann Hesse says:

‘ Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary

 to which you can retreat at anytime and be yourself.’

Once you discover your own centeredness,

you  will start to connect to the source of life

and its immense power within!

Centeredness is a fine quality in human being,

yet many are not aware of;

yet it has nothing to do with being self-centered

Quite opposite-

Self centered has its form of the selfishness;

while centeredness has its flavor of the integrity;

Love is difficult to rise from a self-centered mind;

while for a being of centeredness 

love is the most natural thing!

Centeredness means you are aware that you are part of the whole

you are interconnect physically, mentally and spiritually

with everyone and everything in the universe-

that kind of awareness promotes your sense of reverence towards all the living beings,

because you understand that harming others is not different than harming yourself!

Centeredness means the knowing of your self and the total acceptance with your self.

You don’t assume that grass is greener on the other side;

 You have little desire to prove to the world of your worthy;

Your spirit can not be dimmed neither by praise nor blame,

You go beyond the worldly rules

yet you follow the ‘Highest Principle’ diligently with your full heart!

I know how it feels like to be centered less.

I had been there down there

I have lived my entire childhood for my parents

for  my teachers for everyone else except for myself!

Before one becomes aware of one’s own centeredness,

One is pretty lost in this forever-changing world,

and life can be pretty unconscious and meaningless!

A centered less man is like the duckweed floating rootless above the water

on the verge of being blew away by any strong winds!

A centered less man can be easily exploited by the others

even those with good intentions!

A centered less man can easily turn from the one being exploited

into the one exploiting others!

Centeredlessness creates separations in human's hearts;

Centeredlessness brews all kinds of sins in human’s deeds;

From a centered less man to a centered less nation

the principle underlying is the same!

Finding and connect with your centeredness is neither hard nor easy,

it depends on the quality, understanding and creativity of each.

At least if you are keen enough sincere enough,

you may find yours  through many creative ways-

meditation, martial art, Yoga even gardening…

 I have found mine through Aikido training.

what made me stay in Aikido is not only the physical aspect,

but also the center awareness  mental aspect-

In the higher Aikido training,

One is supposed to keep the centered awareness all the time

 as move throughout the range of motions,

and exactly that kind of centeredness reflecting stability and balance between

physical, mental and spiritual aspects!

As O’sensei- founder of Aikido remarked:

‘ Attack can come from any direction-

from the front, from the back; from the left; from the right;

keep centered and remain unshakable.’’

Realizing one’s own centeredness is a quantum leap,

but it is not the end means but just a beginning.

Keeping one’s centeredness from being moved away

by any externals or by any emotion swings

will certainly need some diligent and devoted trainings!

But I have enough reasons to believe-

If one practice long enough diligent enough,

to a certain point the flavor of centeredness

will start growing on you

taking over your life automatically.

No matter whatever you do-

You will be standing right in your own center forever powerful and graceful!

Meeting with Rumi

Four years I have lived in Istanbul-

I have seen the magnificent Sultan’s Palaces;

I have seen the impressive remains from the great Byzantine and Ottoman empires;

I have seen the forever bustling Grand Bazaar traced from the ancient Silk Road;

I have dined by the Bosphorus sipping wine hypnotized by the alluring belly dancers;

and I have ridden through this amazing ancient Anatolian land many times

……

But I have missed Rumi- Jala-AL-Din Rumi !

Rumi was a mystery-

He lived his life beyond any man’s definition;

He lived his life like a song, like a dance…

When the great empires fell in its ruins;

When the Sultan’s harem was fading away;

When Alexander the Great is forgotten…

Rumi is still alive!

He lives in the mystical Sufi music;

He lives in the whirling devish dance;

He lives in the hearts and spirits of his people…

He speaks to me- ‘What you seek is seeking you’

Then I understood that I was destined to miss Rumi -

because at the time I was seeking outside NOT inside!

Human’s life can be lived in such different depths and layers.

Lovers are lying together fresh against fresh,

but what is the deepest longing in their hearts,

eventually will set their minds thousand miles apart!

Are you secretly seeking Sultan’s harem in your mind?

Or is your heart secretly drawn towards the mystery of life itself?

In the mist of all the craziness and happenings of this world;

In the mist of all the temptations and desires of the human mind;

It is not easy to keep a pure heart;

It is not easy to keep one’s mind uncontaminated;

It is not easy to hold one’s spirit high...

But at least we can follow the footsteps of the Wise,

because they had been where we are-

‘ ‘Yesterday I was clever,

So I wanted to changed the world;

Today I am wise,

So I am changing myself.’’

So  please stop pointing your finger at others;

When you start changing yourself,

the world around you will be changed…

Here I am back to Istanbul!

Sitting again by the bank of the Bosphorus;

Gazing the blue water glittering like thousands pieces of mirrors

dancing with the sunlight…

Everything seems so familiar and unchanged,

but I know deep inside that nothing is unchanged-

I am no longer the same…

Once I had seeked and gained my beautiful identity-

the world applauded for me

while I felt drifting away from myself;

Now I am undoing my identity façade -

the world seems drifting away from me this time

while I have myself found!!!

As Rumi says:

‘‘Go find yourself first,

then you can also find me

..there is a field beyond the doings of right or wrong..

I shall meet you there...’’

Maybe that is why I keep returning ,

because there I have a date with Rumi !

To my Indian sister-in-law

Last time I saw you

was lying in a home for the last-stage cancer patients.

I hugged you and sat myself beside the bed holding your hands,

you had becoming so thin as if only a few bones left...

Trying to cheer me up,

you showed me your swollen legs

‘See, some parts are still fat!’

and you wiped off the liquid coming out of the swollen feet

trying to joke again

‘Look, my feet can sweat!’

I wanted to laugh with you but tears chocked me...

As if it was yesterday,

you made me that delicious Indian curry dish;

As if it was yesterday,

you were still enthusiastic about your ‘Herb Garden’ project 

and starting your own company;

As if it was yesterday,

we were still planning our pilgrim in India together;

As if it was yesterday,

we were still having debates about life and death;

……

It was too soon, 

you are still too young,

 left with so many unfufilled dreams!

Yesterday I misdialed your mobile,

your voice recorded for message was still there,

sounded so familar and so close,

as if you were going to talk to me in any minute......

My dear friend,

Was it hard to depart?

Or were you even mocking at death in the end?

Did your spiritual strength and awareness help you through?

How is it on another side?

...

 With so much miseries and corruptions in this world,

Somehow I can’t tell you which world is better,

 Yours or mine?

Your daughter told me –

that you passed away peacefully,

with all the loved ones around.

 I pictured your spirit dancing in the flame,

 rising ever higher…

The first time I met you in the summer of 98,

My husband and I weren’t married yet,

 then you were my boyfriend’s mother’s boyfriends’s son’s girlfriend,

but you called me directly ' sister-in-law’ anyway.

I was not used to your straightforwardness, 

your loudness, your bossy-ness,

even your scent of Indian curry appeared too intimidating…

At the time you were not aware

 that Confucius hierarchy tradition had made China

and some other neighbor countries very discriminating societies.

(I am not saying, Western world is exceptional, but differs a little in degree.)

At the time I was not full aware of my own judgments 

which had been corrupted as well!

Judgement equals not discrimination .

if right judgments derives from our higher noble mind,

it can save many lives' time of detours and astrays,

so much more can be focused and accomplished in one short life,

if mind can be used wisely.

While discrimination derives 

from the wrong judgments of our lower mind,

mostly being directly or indirectly influenced 

or corrupted by the society we live in,

from the very moment we born into this world.

Unfortunately those imprints left on us causing us actting

 unconsciously discriminating others different from ourselves,

we are trying to rationalize this kind of crazy division system

 from the race,to skin color, to beliefs, to social status...

which means we are keeping feeding nutritions to our ugly egos!

And we wonder why there are so many miseries on earth?!

Why there is no peace in our mind?!

Sitting in the dark feeling your departing spirit,

humbly I ask your forgiveness 

for any hurt I may have caused you by my ignorance;

and at the same time I want to thank you

for giving me chance to be your friend;

As I was getting closer to you, 

I got closer to myself!

You are like Chinese Pu’er tea,

may taste a bit too strong, 

a bit too bitter at the first sip,

but soon the richness, 

the unpretentious fragrance

 will be spreading in the full mouth…

 Farewell, my Indian sister-in-law,

Wait there a little longer,

We shall meet again......