Dear Jasmine,
When I read your letter, I could not hold in my tears, a lot of emotions
coming out and washing over me… You told me about your broken family, your
traumatic childhood experiences and your troublesome relationships with the
opposite sexes today, all seems tied up together... You told me that sometimes you
have a feeling of sinking and drowning as if you just can't get your head above
the water … I am feeling you, and I know how you feel, not just for
the sake of saying but because I have been there myself…
Not only was I abandoned as soon as I was born into this world( because I
was a girl invaluable comparing to a boy, luckily enough my mum found me back in time before
I was dehydrated and died on the roadside); Not only was I sent away by my parents to
the countryside to live with my grandparents till I was almost 6 years old; Not
only was I got constantly caught in between the fights between my parents- feeling
sad and guilty for my mother and feeling fearful for my father; Not only was I frequently
being subjected to the anger and the verbal abuses by my father – being told
over and over again that how worthless , how dreamy and how weird I was ; and being
told openly that he preferred my sister because I was nothing like him-''why can't you be normal like your sister, like the other kids? why do you have to be so difficult to have the need to question me and everything?...'' If all
of those above had not damaged a little girl’s self worth and self esteem
enough; if all of those had not cut my sensitive heart deeply enough; I had
been even exposed to violence which my father literally threated me with knife saying
to my mum that he would have me killed if my mum was going to leave him…
Honestly I don’t know how I survived those years, maybe barely. Because though some of the details have slowly faded away but those feelings are somewhat 'well preserved'... I remember the feeling of how those words cut through me like sharpened knife, and how I bit my lips withholding my tears stubbornly
in front of my father and how I fell apart in tears after being left alone; and I remember too well the
twisted feeling in my stomach when it was time to go home after school because I
didn’t know what kind of mood my parents would be in then, often I prayed that I would have wings like birds so I could fly away, far far away; and I also remember vividly those nights I woke up from the
nightmares weeping and shivering like the falling autumn leaves… Later I understood
that I had experienced some symptoms silmiar to PTSD and epilepsy seizures (which I didn’t even know there are medical
terms for), but
unfortunately the psychological wellbeing was simply not prioritized in those times
of food shortage and other livelihood scarcity in China... I became more and more quiet and withdrawn (which probably made my father disliked me even more), at those days quite often my mind got stuck at those big questions about life and death, and the meaning of life etc... During my childhood years, I had near death experiences, twice (people in my home
town still talk about them as some kind of miracles). I remember specially one time in the last moment when I thought ‘this is it’- I was very aware that how strangely calm I was , even welcoming in a sense that soon all would be over, and all the pain and sadness would go away…
It is said that the first 10, 12 years of a child kinda determines his next 50 years. In psychological field it is well
known fact that how our earlier relationships with our caregivers have profound impacts on our later adulthood relationships. During a
child's earlier ages, he is like a sponge taking in every impression and every
emotion from his environment, directly or indirectly. If his parents are conscious of this, they would pay
extra attention to him, not only his material needs, but also his mental and emotional needs,
because those years are the best time for an adult contributing to shape a child's patterns and templates. If a child has settled with his templates with a lot of emotional
imbalances, he probably has to pay huge cost on his later adult life for those imbalances. Thus, I believe for parents, it is wise to invest more love and attention to your children during those earlier years, even which means extra work for you because the later payoff will be huge. If not, the whole world will not be
able to make it up later for the hole created within a child by not being able to receive the love he/she deserves ... As John Bradshaw
says: ‘ I believe that this neglected, wounded, inner child of the past is the
major source of human misery.’ I can’t agree more. Sometimes I wonder, for example, if Adolf Hilter was properly loved by his father, would the history of the Second World War have been rewritten?!
This world is filled with the wounded children, even we have a grow up body and much of life experiences; even we have sophisticated manner and a lot of academic knowledge, inside we are still that child- hurt and wounded in some more or less degrees, and this wounded child will keep creating drama and trauma inside and outside of us until we pay attention to her/him and even better- heal her/him. As Thich Nhat Hanh says:' The cry we hear from deep in ourselves comes from the wounded child within. Healing this innerchild's pain is the key to transforming anger, sadness and fear'. But those earlier years’ woundings can be difficult to deal
with, due to a child's spongelike receptivity and also his immaturity of being selective, so all the impressions of harshness will be unselectively
installed into his brain’s ‘hardware’, which makes more difficult to get rid of. Nevertheless, the woundings can be caused not
only by our parents, by our direct and indirect environments, but also through
the inheritance. For instance, our parents may have inherited the wounding
patterns from their parents, and their parents from their parents, which can be called as ancestral or karmic patterns. Therefore, it is clearly to me that we each should take the responsiblity for our own healing to better our own lives and also the people in our lives, which will not only benefit our ancestral lines by serving as the pattern breaker, but also will benefit our next generation, or even the generations to come! That is what I call- breaking the 'generational
curses' indeed!
Everybody wants healing- being healed immediately and miraculously. A few are couragous and ready to dive into themselves, to
face their deep seated wounds, shadows head on; even fewer have both the courage and the persistence to
go all in and go all through. To be honest with yourself is the first step towards real self healing. Are you ready to be honest with yourself? How many of you parents out there are ready to say something like this to your child ? ‘ Please forgive me, my child, that I got upset with you. In truth you have nothing to do with it. I am projecting my
frustration onto you. Please give me some time
and space to work out with my frustration. Thank you and I love you…’ With that kind of grace, you will be able to save your child from spending years in tempting to working off
those issues related to abandonment, neglect or unloved, or seeking confusedly for love
and validations from wrong people and places in his/her later adulthood years…
In your case, Jasmine, I think it is time to examine your life honestly and objectivly, for example, your childhood woundings, your relationship patterns, even your thought and emotional patterns in order to seek for the clarity of the root cause of your problem- Could it be all related to your inner child woundings? It is known in psychology that people can easily mistake the attraction of love with the attraction of familiarity. Could that be the underlying reason that you were attracted to the guys who are similar to your father- cold and distant? and you thought if you could work a little harder, be a bit more loving and compassionate towards your partner, maybe then he would see your value and love you back, just as once you were that little girl who was 'begging for' love and attention from your father but could not receive? Could you still be holding the guilty that you were the cause of not being loved because you were not pretty enough, not smart enough, not trying harder enough?! Are you still living and experiencing your relationship today through those woundings?... If that is
the case, it is time to do your healing work by intentionaly bringing those buried wounds from your subconscious level to conscious level for healing, otherwise you will most likely repeat the similar dynamics with the others instead with your father! By diving into your inner child and healing those wounds, you will become more conscious of your own negative patterns as well as the wounding patterns in others which will enable you to make better judgements and choices in the future ... But you have to remember one thing, even you find your greatest human lover one day, he/she will not be able to be there with you all the way, for example, at moment of your death, it will be you with you all the way, as always! So in the end, in this
lifetime of yours, the most important relationship you will ever have is with
yourself! So, please be kind to yourself and make you your top priority- You matter and your happiness matter. Heal any wounds within you because you don't want to let your past standing in the way of your future happiness, do you?
Inner Child Healing work takes courage because it can be intimidating
and overwhelming at times as if you have just opened a devil's pandora box, falling into an abyss of darkness; and it also takes
commitment because
whenever you think you have done with your healing, there will be something or someone who will trigger you again and remind you again that your work is not over yet which can be frustrating at times... but it does not mean your healing work has not worked but simply means that there may be more layers within layers of the wounding issues buried within your subconscious resurfacing and seeking ways to come up to your conscious level for releasing and healing... I know too well those ups and downs from my own healing experiences. Even though I was a broken child, but there was always a spark of flame persistently remaining deep inside my soul keeping burning ... My healing journey is far from over yet, but I
have seen the light regardless of all the darkness and demons(inside and outside of me); I have seen the silver lining beneath all my past pain and trauma; I have even recognize the blessings in disguises because I have been witnessing my own transformations and my 'rebirth' along this journey(maybe it is exact the chosen path of my soul for this incarnation of mine); and I have come to the better understanding how pain and suffering have their great potentials for profound
transformations and deep soul purification; and I have finally come to the term with myself - I may not have had the best
childhood, but those past experiences have made me a more confident, more resilient, more appreciative and more conscious woman as I am today ...
Ironically enough, people often assume that I am a lucky person, that it seems that I have everything handed to me without much of struggle; that I must have come from a stable, loving even privileged
family when the carefree, bubbly side of my personality comes out- sometimes people can be so wrong. When people tried to acquire a little deeper into my past, quite often they reacted surprised, even in some degree of disbelief as if I were telling them a joke-maybe I expressed too lightheartedly; maybe simply because people see what they want to see - they have already fixed perceptions in their mind what tragedy should sound like, and what a traumatized person should look like … Nowadays I am neither
interested in hiding my past nor interested in explaining myself. But of
course, I certainly find some comforts in knowing that probably I am not projecting that tragic victimhood version of me-the version of a wounded inner child any more; and I also find some comforts in how I have managed to rebuild
myself, piece by piece… Because, I can see today, even the forgiveness is possible which I thought earlier 'never, ever'! In my father’s case, I don’t think that I want to live under
the same roof with my father ever again, but I have found the way in my heart
to forgive him, because I have understood that he had his own inner child
wounds and the wounds passed onto him from his parents, he projected those wounds upon me which was of course not right- but he was unconscious
and he did not know any better... I guess in the end, forgiveness is not for the sake of others but my own inner peace… So my friend, just trust the process unfolding naturally, there is no need to hurry or force things, all is well.
Dear Jasmine, sharing my story with you is not meant to compare who had
it worse, but to help you see your situation from other perspectives: That there is always
someone out there who may have had it worse than us ; that if I have managed to get most out of it without subjecting myself to any drug abuse nor victim junkies, so can you! You can start with an open dialogue with yourself first, and try to be as open, honest as possible something like: ‘My dearest inner child, I am sorry for having disappointed and ignored you; I am sorry for not being there holding you and comforting you when you were sad; I am sorry for not being able to protect you and stand up for you when you were hurt… I am asking for your forgiveness…From now on, I will be
here for you, to protect you and to love you regardless how the others say or think about you... You will have me from now on!...’ This type of affirmations have been helpful for me, you can try it. Because it is never too later to change, to restart one's life, even means to start from the scratch! So even though we were not mothered
properly, we can mother our own inner child now; even though we were not fathered properly, we can father our own inner child now; even though once we were from broken homes, we can start to rebuild a new home for ourselves now, for this child living inside us, brick by brick, with love and attention which she/he really deserves ... In life,
there are times to surrender, there are times to fight. Now this is time for us to fight for our own inner child- she/he has been so wounded by this world! Trust me, this inner child of yours holds the very key to your future's wellbeing-emotionally, mentally and even spiritually. One day, you will be surprised when you look back at your own healing journey- that at some point you have
become the love you never had; and you have become your own safe home you never
had!!
Our inner child is the very essence of us, she is hidden in the beats
of our heart; she is the child of the universe, an eternal child-fearless and forever joyful; she is the door way from our soul to the Spirit, to the Divine. By
healing the wounds of our inner child, we will feel more connected with people and other sentient beings in a more meaniful way, and also more connected with the earth, the sun, the stars even the whole universe at large; and furthermore we will be able to reawake our playful and joyful nature, which will enable us to be freed from the bondage of our past, and will further us to love fearlessly and trust fully
again... The more our innerchild wounds are healed the more we will feel relieved from all the burdens the society has laid upon us and we will be more amazed by the opening up the possibilities of anything
and everything which life is unfolding before our eyes... As Paulo Coelho says: ‘‘Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul,
for this child, nothing is impossible.’ When this child is healed, she/he will want to come out playing with us more and more often, and she/he will show us all the magic in life, in every moment, in every sunray and in every raindrop which too often we grown ups have forgotten.... So when we decide to live through her/his eyes, we will be reawakened and rejoiced by all the beauty and all the magic around us and within us...... In there you shall find your peace, my friend.
With Love,
Sophia
