The Great Spirit

      Man is a child of both heaven and earth. Man is a being of both body and soul/spirit. Both aspects need to be balanced and both consciousness need to be honored, otherwise man will fulfill only half of his truth, another half of his truth will remain unknown, undiscovered and unfulfilled... Accept or not, in the end, what is of the matter(physical) will return to the matter, what is of the spirit will return to Spirit.

         There is nothing wrong to enjoy the physical aspects of life, if it is inspired by the entity’s inner spirit.  If inspired by the ego mind, those physical experiences can go easily wrong, ended with all kinds of sensory addictions and worldly attachments which will lead us to further identification with our body conscious and further oblivious of our soul/spirit conscious... To me, this forgetfulness of the Spirit, this disconnection of a soul entity from its source is the root of all the fears and sufferings in human experiences… Indeed the human body is a previous gift from the Divine to every entity, through this vessel that the great Spirit, or God/Goddess, or Allah, or Brahman whatever you prefer to name the nameless, so to experience its own physical creations and to express its infinite creativities through the physical vessels... When a soul entity is aligned with the great Spirit, and the entity’s body conscious is aligned with its spiritual conscious, this entity will be able to execute his full divine expressions creatively and courageously in all areas of his physical life, without fear, without holding back because his soul has that deep knowing that he is anchored firmly in the great Spirit and his soul is a part of the infinite ocean of the great Spirit from which is of the blissfulness and home-belonging in eternity, and having that deep inner knowing that he is never alone and have left his real home… the illusions of separation are caused by the identification with the body conscious, which there is ending at the physical death which once again is caused by the fear from the body conscious… thus it is pretty honest to say that body conscious is always fearful because of the fear of its own mortality while in the other hand soul/spirit is always fearless because of its knowingness of its immortality and eternity… So dear ones, please meditate and meditate often on your this truth instead of selling yourself short unconsciously and regretfully, lifetime after lifetime.  

       We all are the children from the great Spirit having this ‘earthly school/vacation’ with different expired dates- or reuniting with some old friends in physical forms; or more serious about paying off some karmic debts; or learning some lesson for its soul growth; or having a divine mission to assist the ascension of the human consciousness; or simply having some fun and bringing some fresh and lighter energies into the dense-energy earth realm… unfortunately due to the karmic law, most of us even those who are spiritually highly evolved got ourselves tangled and stuck in the karmic wheel lifetime after lifetime and the soul memory of our divine origin started to fade more and more... So whatever your situation is right now, please mediate on your soul purpose and make the most of it! Respect and honor your physical vessel as a holy temple, leave and stop all the negatives and toxins outside of your temple, make it fit for housing the great Spirit… when this divine connection is firmly established within yourself, you will feel fulfilled, blissful and at all-time peace regardless how the world outside of you perceives you otherwise…

        When a man is completely identified with his body conscious, he will be forever bounded to the fear due to the very nature of the body conscious- always fearful. Fearful for being weak, being old, being hurt, being sick and death... furthermore, the fear has been greatly exploited against each other throughout human history, especially those were and are in the position of power, to manipulate the fears in people to serve their power and other egoistic and selfish agendas...As we know, our history book is written by the winner, but do we really know at what cost?! Behind the glories of the kingdoms, all the kings, queens and leaders, behind all the hierarchy structures and patriarchal social systems, how many of those were accomplished by the manipulation of fear- through inflicting physical abuses, punishments, prosecutions, imprisonment or even death onto anyone who posed the threat to their power and authority…?!  Today in the west so called free and democratic countries, there are other forms of manipulations, which seem less aggressive and less visible comparing to the past bloody punishments and killings but it uses the same principle and serves the same purpose of  manipulating and controlling/mind-controlling through selling the images, ideas even lifestyles so people are willingly to give up their power and their spirits to their cravings and addictions...pretty smart right?! Sometimes I wonder what has been stamped as heresy or wrong, or bad by the authorities may contain more of the truth than what has been presented to the general public, at least it should be questioned and relooked at with an open mind.

          Even at very young age, I was very interested in things like different religions, spiritual and metaphysical, mystical topics which was very unusual and weird at my age and with comparision to other kids so I suffered psychological greatly from being different and being ridiculed and not accepted even by my own family... To make a long story short, I have finally accepted who I am, even those weird parts of me simply because I can't hide my own truth and I can't deny who I am- I can't help it. I am what I am! For a simple example, if I have an inner urge or promting to write down something, I have to do that otherwise I will be 'ghosted' in my dream next a few days until I write down...don't be freaked out. It is quite normal and natural for me, during the most part of my life I have felt more loved, understood and protected by the Spirit than by human beings...  Back to what I wanted to say about my curiosity with Christianity and the Bible during one period, to be honest, it raised more questions and doubts in me than the answers I was looking for, and also I got bored with reading the Bible pretty quickly. I don’t know if you feel the same, that quite often those supposed-to-be-authoritative kind of text books were used the difficult languages as if it would not be authoritative enough or intellectual enough if common people would understand easily, or in this case when the Roman emperor Constantine summoned his council to decide what should be in the Bible and what should be left out for best serving his interest. No one really understood Jesus’s real teachings, so they interpreted his metaphoric meaning literally and made some fancy alterations here and there according to their igorance and delusions  …  two thousands years later, many of us still follow these 'holy' words from the Bible faithfully without any questioning which this phenomenon reminds me of the story of ‘ The Emperor’s New Clothes’- the crowds were pretending and applauding for the naked emperor who had no clothes on whatsoeve out of courtesy, or hypocrisy, or fear… 

         As I know, it has been quite a common strategy that a ruler would combine the political power with the religious power for the maximum effect on his people, so it was done by the emperors in China as well. The emperor was not only declared as a heir after his royal blood line but also he declared himself  as‘Tian Zi天子’(Son of Heaven). So if he was a chosen one from the Heaven to rule a kingdom, who dare to question his total authority and his superiority over the others?!... Of course, you may say that no one knows for sure what really happened with the Bible -Jesus was crucified and many of his disciples and followers were prosecuted or killed, and I guess many original scriptures were probably destroyed … so you can have your opinion and I can have mine. The little twist here is that just when I decided that Jesus was not my guy after having read the Bible, I changed my mind completely when I encountered with the ancient Dead Sea Scroll (found in Qumran caves in Judaean desert )and the Nag Hammadi gnostic texts( found in upper Egyptian). Since both discoveries were around year 1945, many think it was a great coincidence but I think differently since I am a believer of divine time and synchronicity, the time has come! It is about time for the truth to come out into the open, to expose the another version of Jesus, a more esoteric gnostic version of Christianity which contradict very much to the established orthodox Christianity… but because generally speaking the collective today are more open minded and more acceptable, and because the availability of the internet which make information more accessible to people…as I see it as hypothesis. it is the divine time. Regardless, I remember how excited and emotional I became when I read those words for the first time, it woke up something deep inside me which I knew well once as if finally I came to this reunion with an old dear friend which I thought I have lost long ago… Here I want to share a few verses from the Gospel of Thomas (one of the scriptures found from the Nag Hammadi) with you, to see if they too can trigger something within your soul memory as they did to me…

(3) Jesus said, "If those who lead you say to you, 'See, the kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty."

(29) Jesus said, "If the flesh came into being because of spirit, it is a wonder. But if spirit came into being because of the body, it is a wonder of wonders. Indeed, I am amazed at how this great wealth has made its home in this poverty."

(39) Jesus said, "The pharisees and the scribes have taken the keys of knowledge (gnosis) and hidden them. They themselves have not entered, nor have they allowed to enter those who wish to. You, however, be as wise as serpents and as innocent as doves"……

        I just love this Jesus- a very different version of Jesus from the Bible! What a controversial and bad-ass spiritual teacher he was!!! Can you imagine what kind of threats he posed to the authorities at his time by such daring kind of teaching?! This version of Jesus was served as a catalyst in breaking not only the social hierarchical and patriarchal structures at his time but also in breaking the collective conscious pattern of ignorance and destruction which have been keeping repeating... So most likely Jesus was crucified for the heresy, for his teachings of esoteric knowledge about the Spirit, instead of dying for our sins according to the church patriarchal (so we will be bounded by our guilt and unworthiness forever, so we will be forever depending on the church and the priests for our redemptions…) Just imagine, if we are taught that no one outside of us can really save us but ourselves and  ‘all the redemptions’ can be done through our own inner transformation by realigning our own soul with the Spirit … What do we need the church for?! What do we need the priests for?! What do we even need any authority outside of us to tell us how we should behave and how we should live our lives…?! You see, the real truth has such an immense transformtive power which threats the very core of the old power and structures in all areas religious, political and social etc., so by default it should be destroyed at all costs according to those who are in the positions of power and who have sold their souls to the devil... As the Maslow pyramid theory exists in the material world, so it is in the spiritual world. Before each soul entity reached its Christ consciousness, or you may call it unity consciousness which is beyond any duality, any division of darkness or light, before reaching that point, the struggles between the light and the darkness, the good and the evil are as real as in the spiritual world as in the physical world unfortunately... Light energy wants to break the structures of power and set the imprisoned energies free while dark energy wants to suppress and control so those two energies have very opposite interest. As a soul entity, please choose your side carefully, one simply can’t serve two masters at the same time.

         It is interesting that many of the mystics cross the different cultures and continents, either Christian mystics like Qumran Essenes, or Islamic Sufi mystics, Indian mystics or Zen Buddhists or Tibetan yogis  despite of all their differences and appearances, their core teachings remain incredibly similar to one another- all about knowing thyself, the Spirit(may with different names)-our divine origin; all about the triumph of the Spirit over the physical; all about the inner transformation and inner alchemy; all about taking back our own power instead of giving the power to others who claim that they know better than us… and they all agreed upon the great mystery of the Spirit which lives inside each of us and waiting for the ultimate release from the repression of the body conscious in order to express its great power and creativities... As ironic as it goes, the conditioned love has many faces and shapes while the unconditional love has only one, so it is with the truth. There are many so called ‘truth’ out there, but the real truth is only one! (which any soul entity will be able to recognize once its ego and delusions being discerned and put down)... As the Persian mystic poet Rumi says: ‘ Know that the body is merely a garment. Go seek the wearer, not the clock’… So keep meditating on the wearer, not the clock.

           As long as the evil force is greater in the collective consciousness, the truth has to go underground for the time being. I am a believer that eventually the power of good will always triumph over the evil, the light over the darkness and the real truth can never be destroyed or hidden for long… so if you seek open-minded and wholehearted, what you are seeking will be seeking you… We are who we think we are. We can only live on the level of the consciousness as far as the level of our understanding goes, further we can’t. Eventually we will become what we draw upon us, what we choose to align with- if you so choose to worship the devil, HE will become your God; if you so choose to worship Love, Love will become you God. So choose wisely.

             Each entity has been given the equal opportunity to manifest its creativity in this physical world. So it is out of your own free will, you can either choose the red or blue pill as in the movie Matrix. Yes, it is your free will but you have to live up with the consequences of all your choices and decisions. For example, if you as a soul entity came into this incarnation with certain soul purpose, but during this journey you keep chickening out over and over again because of your own fear and insecurities when the tough situations presenting to you… thus your higher self, your soul/spirit will conspire the similar situations and people to your life again and again until you get it right… I am not saying it is easy, it is not easy for anyone because everyone has his/her sets of challenges and weakness. Some older-soul- entities may learn their lessons faster with just a few lifetimes, many have to repeat their karmic wheels for thousands or even ten thousands more lifetimes… that is why we say that the evolution of human consciousness is a very slow process… Please keep it in mind: there is no one outside of you will judge you but your own soul. You might think that an injustice can get away sometimes in this physical world but no injustice can get away under the universal karmic law and your soul will always know this truth… Dear ones out there, you may or may not agree with what I am trying to say here right now, but I am speaking to the part of you which understands me… Here is to you all out there seeking with thirst for the truth- and the truth shall set you free…

Don’t let your body move you the way it desires,

Fear will be always with you;

Don’t let your mind move you the way it desires,

Doubts will be always with you;

Let the Spirit move you the way it desires,

Peace will be always with you…

So be it.

 

 

 

P.S. The places where I used ‘He’, ‘His’ has no gender preference but for the simplification of using both‘He/She’, ‘His/her’ all the time:)

Flower Sermon

       

         One day, Buddha gave a wordless sermon to his disciples. He sat there with a white flower in his hand, he just smiled without uttering a word. All his disciples were confused and could not understand what Buddha meant or wanted to express except one disciple called Mahakasyapa, he understood the message so he smiled back without saying anything either… all was communicated and understood between them, without a word…

         We are who we are. And we are at where we are supposed to be. If you are there where I am, you will understand me without me explaining much myself to you; if you are not where I am, you will not be able to understand me no matter how hard I try to explain myself or how hard I prove myself to you, you won’t understand me…because in the end, all the relationships in our lives are merely the mirrors of who we really are and where we are at…nothing is personal.

You, who see the kindness in me have already the kindness within you;

You, who see the beauty in me have already the beauty within you;

You, who sense the wounds in me have already the wounds within you;

You, who see the separation in me have already the separation within you;

You, who see the divinity in me have already the divinity within you…

We are truly each other’s great mirrors… nothing is personal.

 

As Jesus says in the Gospel of Thomas( verse’70)

‘ If you bring forth what is within you,

What you have will save you.

If you do not have that within you,

What you do not have within you will destroy you.’

So be it.

 

He the hypocritical one

 

He the hypocritical one-

He who sings the high praises to God

He who claims himself the true servant of God

Yet He who is ready to crucify the Lord

as soon as his own pitiful authority being questioned or threatened

 

He the foolish one-

He who believes the material abundance is the end goal of life

He who keeps exhausting his life force in chasing those ghosts

He who remains a poor beggar in his very being even though he has gained the wealth of a king

The true abundance can only be gained within

 

He the cowardly one-

He who sits on the sideline watching and gossiping

about the others’ fallings and risings;

He who is always ready to ridicules the others

who has chosen to face, to battle with their inner demons

He who casts his own demons onto the others 

Or projects his own darkness upon the world instead

just to avoid to face his own demons and cowardness

 

He the ignorant one-

He who justifies the patriarchy dominance and superiority                                   

or any established moral codes like a headless sheep

He who holds the disrespects and blasphemy towards the Feminine

Little does he know-

Anything done to the Mother is done to the Father

Because the divine Mother/Father is ONE

And anything done to our divine Mother/Father is

 done onto ourselves inevitably 

Thus, 

In a field beyond human' conscious mind-

beyond any religion and knowledge

beyond any ego and illusion

There is the field of the Spirit-

a field of pure consciousness/God

There, no fool will be able to hide his foolishness or wickedness

Just as no shadow will be able to hide under the blazing sunlight…

 

 

( P.S. The ‘He’ referred here has no specific sex agenda, which includes both ‘He’ and ‘She’.)

Winter Solstice Contemplations

 

I

When people say –

‘I want truth’

Seldom they really mean that

but the ‘truth’ to their conveniences

 

When people say-

‘I want abundance’

Seldom they really mean that

but something more like lottery winning overnight

 

When people say-

‘I want healing’

Seldom they really mean that

but the miracles somehow fallen upon them

with little healing work required of themselves

 

When people say-

‘I want happiness’

Seldom they really mean that

but the appearances of happiness in other’s eyes

 

When people no longer say what they really mean

When people no longer mean what they say

When authenticity has become foolishness

When kindness has become weakness

When love has become commodity

When even being happy has become guilty-

How dare you to be happy there-

while we are miserable and unhappy here…?!

So please say no more

just stay with me -

in this perfect silence of winter solstice ...

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II

            Life can be hard at times. Sometimes we can get caught up with negative emotions and difficult situations and we feel sorry for ourselves.

           ‘If I had come from a better, a more loving and more prosperous family, my life would have been so much easier, instead I have to struggle constantly with my childhood wounds and inner demons…’

         ‘If I have a better paid job, if I have a nicer boss, I would be more successful and much happier…’

        ‘If my friends had not stabbed my back and betrayed me, I would not have those trust issues towards people…’

        ‘If I haven’t been so damaged from my previous failed relationship, I would be a better girlfriend or a better husband or a better father/mother…’...

         Of course it is only human and natural that we fall into a self pity place from time to time, but to indulge in such a victim mode for too long time, it will become part of our identity. Whatever we constantly feed to our mind, we are becoming just that…

         As all the souls were standing before the gate of earth realm before their incarnations. Love and freewill were granted for each soul to choose its own path-

        Or choosing an ‘adventure ride’ just for the purpose of some physical experiences(Popular among those young souls or the new earthly incarnated souls);

        Or choosing a ‘classic karma’ to work out some karma with people from one particular previous life;

        Or choosing a more ambitious ‘super program’- which can be super challenging yet super rewarding as well. It means during a soul’s one lifetime on earth, a soul will be facing a lot of challenges, blocks and resistances but ‘designed’ or ‘chosen’ by its own soul-As Aeschylus says: ‘Wisdom comes along through suffering'- the purpose of those temporary sufferings is not meant to hurt the soul but to enable it to gain the knowledge and wisdom to break its earthly karma and to break the chains of those old negative cycles and patterns which may have plagued not only its own soul ascension but also its soul family's ascension in different negative ways (we often call them as ancestral curses)…  Nevertheless, this path is not for every soul, because the multitudes of a soul's transformation within one lifetime-literally you have to shed your old skins and witness the 'death' of your old self before the new self is possible to be reborn which can even be overwhelming even for those old souls.

         As Buddha teaches, ’’Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice.’’  So seen from a soul journey perspective. There is no such a thing as a victim, to be a victim is a choice! All was done with the free will of the soul and all will be done with the same freewill of the soul. Even at times we may feel like a victim and be a victim in certain situations, but it is never meant to remain so. We don’t like to be told that ‘ You are at the exact place where you are supposed to be…’ no matter how cheesy it may sound, we are at the exact place where we are supposed to be! For me personally, I could make the peace with myself when I finally accept the people and things as they are- there is always part of my role to play, but more than that, I can't do; and I could release those sadness and resentments when I finally could accept in my heart that truly the things were not done to me but for me…

         And please judge Not! We all have chosen our path, for the purpose of our soul’s journey, to experience, to learn, to grow for the further ascension according to our soul’s desires and freewill. One path is not better than another, but whatever path we have chosen, we have to walk through it, in one way or another, in one lifetime or thousands of lifetimes!

        The year 2020 has been a tough year for many of us. But even in the mist of all the chaos and darkness, we have to keep our faith that this horrible Corona may somehow have served us in some ways -  that we are forced to brake, to pause, to reflect on our life and the life around us; to start to question our ways of living and how our ways of living have impacted on each other and the environments like the air, the water, the forest etc. and the earth we call it home… after all, all the outer world is merely the reflections of our inner world- when our inner world is chaotic, our outer world can't be anything else other than chaotic;  only when our inner world shifts, that experience of our outer world will be shifted accordingly…There will be always forces and influences from the people or the circumstance trying to take this 'inner divine and fearless' power from us, so at least let us not to do that to ourselves and let us stop ‘warring’ with our own soul- what we perceive is not always how our soul perceive; what we want is not always what our soul ‘want’… maybe the real truth is that we are not the victims here but our own souls being constantly sacrificed to our endless ego and our endless material desires!

         Look up at the moon, my friend. As the moon wanes and waxes- Or quarter, or crescent, or full… each phrase has its beauty. So is with life- each taste has its richness and each season has its own purpose and its blessing even being disguised at times. So just ride along with the waves of life and enjoy the rides - all is well …

Happy New Year 2021 to All of you!🙏

 

 

Just to realize...

 

Travelled to the far and exotic lands

looking for a home 

a place of belonging

So I have travelled far enough,

Just to realize-

Home is  already -

where my heart is

 

Broken  into thousand pieces

Or for someone's muse

 or someone's  acceptance

So I have been broken enough

Just to realize-

I was never meant to fit in

In the first place

 

Bounded  by the endless  morals

 and desires of this world-

So I  have become tired enough 

Just to realize-

My spirit can never be bounded-

because it is not of this world

and it is forever free

Bewildered by this ancient soul  caged in-

 a childlike  body of mine long enough

Just to realize -

I am NOT this body

Though I am here struggling-

to be a human being 

My soul knows  the ancient story of me-

beyond this body  

beyond this lifetime

beyond any notion from any man

or good or bad

Because I  am-

different from those notions

in a million different ways...

 

Sweet Lilac

 

                          

When the sun sets on the horizon

Instead of holding onto its divinely glory

It humbles away for the rising of

the moon

 

When the autumn leaves hit the muddy ground

Instead of weeping for their falling from the tree

They kiss their love to

the earth

 

In this vast universe

In this time and space

We meet

Our souls meet

Our human minds may categorize it-

according to our human social standards

Our souls know yet its sacredness-

in its depth rather than in its length

But, Instead of nurturing and loving each other

Instead of honoring and celebrating each other

What have we done to each other?!

 

In the end of our time

Everything of this world will die and fade away

Except the undying memories of love-

will be forever engraved into our souls-

how our fate was crossed once

how my eyes met with yours

how your smiles met with mine

and how blue sky it was

and how sweet the lilac tasted in the air ….

(Extra notes: A physical meeting has its seasons while a soul meeting has its eternity. When a soul conscious meets with a body conscious, even their bodies are next to each other, their mind/spirit maybe worlds apart; When two bodies recognize each other on its deep soul level, the sense of separation will disappear and the true connection will be felt, in which the souls’ desires to create beauty, harmony and growth with each other on the physical plane will be evoked, only then true peace will be regained among the humans between each other and only then the heaven on earth will be possible… Otherwise we can keep chasing the dreams of our soulmates throughout our entire life yet end up helplessly in karmic relationships and karmic cycles instead… the problem is that we have to become a more of soul conscious being ourselves first before we can even recognize other souls, not mention our soulmates...)

Abandonment issue

  

 

           I was asked by a friend to write a few words about the abandonment issue. I felt slightly hesitated because I don't know how far I have come after man years' self healing and if I would still be triggered… but I am going to find out about that soon. 

        I encountered with my own abandonment issue basically head on directly after I was born into this world.  I was wrapped in a piece of sheet and dumped at somewhere by the roadside directly by my grandparents (my father's) simply because I was not a boy as they hoped… so there was I lying by the dusty roadside alone from the morning to the evening...how many people walked passing by me that day, there was no one wanting to have an extra mouth to feed, plus for many I was not only just a girl but also an unhealthy girl( I came out about one month too earlier)… To make the long story short, when my mum finally had me back in her arms, my little pink winkled face looked pale and dehydrated, and it looked like I was crying but sounded almost like a mosquito… I would not have survived much longer like that according to my mum…

         For many years I have been working with releasing my resentments towards my parents for having allowed this happened and for having treated me and hurt me through their unconscious acts and words and for having not given me love and protection which I deserved... but I see things very differently nowadays- in order to understand the pain I must experience the pain myself first, because through my struggle of desiring to heal it and to overcome it, I will gain the knowledge and healing which may benefit whoever crosses my path later on- so it maybe harsh and difficult for our human mind to grasp, but there is divine order in everything if we so choose to have some faith towards the life. It was not a punishment for being where I was but it was my soul's choice- a necessary lesson for my soul's evolution... Withholding this perspective in my mind, the overwhelming resentment I had towards my parents slowly disappeared, I started to understand them and even developed sense of sympathy towards them after all we all easily become the products of our time and our environments unless we consciously fight against it!-  My parents lived in a traumatized period in China which they were subjected to the wars, the hunger, the famine, especially the disastrous 10 year long Culture Revolution which made their entire generation suffered physically, mentally, emotionally greatly- that is why they were described as the lost generation later on. Everything was upside down- all the moral and value systems were collapsed and twisted completely... ‘Red guard’ students denounced their teachers; the children denounced their own parents; everyone was turned against everyone… all the madness  and the distortions had turned their entire generation from authentic to apathetic people, with the incredible sense of indifferences and distrust among people… so in a way, I was abandoned because they were abandoned... Life has its humor ever it is a pretty dark one sometimes.

        But at that time I was too young to understand the depth of things, I thought I was abandoned because I was not valuable enough, good enough. Especially after I having been also sent away to the countryside to live with my grandparents(my mum’s parents) and late on being picked up back to the city to start the school after nearly 6 years away from my parents which basically confirmed my own theory of not being valuable enough and good enough to my own parents…I don't think my parents understood what it was really going on inside their six-year-old daughter that I was not only struggling with the feeling of being a stranger to my parents and my little sister in my own home but also I was struggling with such a sadness and desperation in my heart as if I was standing on a no-man island, no one could hear me cry or scream because no one cared… Besides those years we lived together as a family didn’t change much about how I felt inside, maybe even worse- that cold feeling of the loneliness while being surrounded by people…

         In order to survive, I developed my coping mechanism around people – I learned how to keep my head down; I learned to how to be nice and trouble-free; I learned to put everyone else’s needs before me…so I could receive some crumbs of love and attention... it did not matter if I had nightmares and how I was afraid and sad I learned to wipe off my own tears; padded on my own shoulders; and tried to talk myself out of sadness…I became my own mother, my own father and my own cheer leader… everything I could not express outwards was turned inwards, very much inwards... At that time I couldn't perceive how all those momentums were leading me back to myself and back to the spirit realm…

          I guess it is a bit unusual to have such existential crisis at such a young age. A normal six, seven year old child would be and should be more concerned with his next game or her new dress instead while I was pretty wrapped with the questions like ‘Who am I? Why am I here? What is the purpose of my life? and what is the meaning of life? etc.…’ Though at times this fear of there is no one out there who will be able to truly understand me and love me unconditionally just for who I am and cherish me through the thick and thin could bring the chills to my heart, it did serve its purpose somehow, because otherwise I would not have realized how resilient, strong and how optimistic and hopeful I was regardless what had happened, which make me almost have a such an strong inner conviction about myself-if I could have made though something like this without having my optimistic spirit damaged, nothing else in this world can! Regardless, I believe that this whole childhood trauma of mine somehow has served its purpose of bringing me closer to myself, and to the Spirit...

          Looking back at my life, I can see how certain things have been presented and proved over and over again- whenever I followed my intuition and acted upon it, things would work out effortlessly; whenever I ignored my intuition and acted upon my ego impulses, things would get stuck easily, ended up in failure even disaster... Over the time, I have become more in tune with my intuition- I can discern better with the voice of my spirit guides from the voice of my own ego; and I am better at adjusting my life course according to my inner guidance; and I have developed more trust toward myself and the life itself…which was not the case earlier. I remember the very first time when I told my mum that I thought I had invisible friends like guardian angles who were there talking to me and looking after me... My mum became very uncomfortable with what I said, and she told me firmly not to talk about those ‘nonsense’ to anyone else because I would be at risk of being ridiculed or wrongly judged…and she also explained to me that during her time there were many people who were prosecuted and even killed for their religious beliefs or spiritual practices… So I got afraid and started to be even suspicious about what I had experienced…

         Today I am glad that I have found my way back because the truth is the truth- I can’t deny what I have experienced even though it can be difficult to explain to others. What I have experienced was real for me, which was the communication between me and my spiritual guides / angels for lacking of a better definition for them, and that is enough for me. I am no longer that little girl, I don’t need to explain myself to anyone - what is between me and the Spirit is special and sacred to me and it shall remain so! Because I do believe, everyone can and should establish his/her own unique and sacred relationship directly with the Spirit, with the divine, with God whatever you call it, there is no need for any religion, or priests or spiritual leaders to act as intermedia, it is through your heart portal to your soul, from your soul directly to the Spirit...  which means, just by following your heart, and by connecting with your soul/your authentic self, you will figure out along your journey about your own ways of communicating with the Spirit, with the Divine…that will be something special and sacred created between you and God only, no one or nothing else should be able to take that away from you!

           I believe ever single human on this planet has some sorts of issues- self esteem issues if it is not abandonment issues, or inner child wounds if it is not narcissistic wounds… lists go on because this earth school can be pretty challenging for souls at the times due to the amnesia of the souls upon incarnating into physical beings; and also due to the heavy and distorted mental and emotional energies on earth caused by human’s own contributions… as long as we humans continue to ignore our intuitions and our soul purposes, and continue this amnesialike existences by clinging heavily to the sense and the ego's gratifications, we will not be able to heal ourselves or our mother earth, we will be continue having our wound bonding collectively, with each other, with our past and even our future…unless we relearn to bond with each other through our authentic selves, through unconditional love, through the deeper level of soul connection, we will be forever feeling abandoned and separated from each other, from the universe and from the life itself!

           According to Chinese Medicine philosophy, if we truly want to cure our illness, we have to dig deep to find out the root cause. So we need to be brutal honest with ourselves and be courageous to dive into our issues no matter how hard and how traumatic it has been- Where did the pain originate from- your childhood? Was it physical or emotional, or both? How is this past issue affecting your present life for example, your relationships?... Stop repressing it, stop hiding away and stop judging yourself, just shine the light on your issues, with love and patience, so you can start with your own healing process…It is like gardening, you first have to take away the insects, then you take away the weed so the sun can shine in. After all the preparations, you have to give some time, so the sun can do its magic to make your garden flourish again! During this process, while you developing your compassion for yourself, even for your mistakes and failures, you will automatically develop more compassion for the others, because after all, we are no different from one another- beneath the cloak of the races, the nationalities, the religious beliefs we all have red blood through our veins; we all can shed tears to the pain and burst laughter to the joy…

          There are two types of people in this world: those who view the glass as half full, and those who view the glass half empty. This phenomenon is called perception, and our perceptions profoundly impact how we experience life – so which type would you like to be? We may excuse ourselves if we have been subjected to the abandonment or other abusive issues when we were young and helpless, but it doesn’t give us excuse to continue to live our adult lives under the past spell... So please don’t hold onto your past, please don’t let your past define your future, make peace with your past and move on! Tell yourself: Even the whole world shall abandon you again, you shall never abandon yourself again!!! We need to develop some faith towards the universe-that the universe is not conspiring against us but for us no matter how difficult or absurd to our conceptions at times... Because we have to stop forgetting about that we are the spirits who are having some earthly experiences- we are living in the body but not of it; and we are living in this world but not of it... This is a lonely place to be if we hold onto our old identities of separate physical beings instead of a wonderful place to be, for our souls to experience, to interact with each other because when we are reconnected with soul identities and soul purposes, we will have the feeling of connectedness, unity, and the feeling of the whole universe is behind us… then there will be no more abandonment issues or any kinds of issues but the experiences for the souls’ journey, even a bad experience will no longer considered by the mind as bad but just an experience, an adventure…

             Sometimes I still can hear the Spirit's whispers in my dreams: ‘…my dear child, we have been with you since the dawn of time and we will be with you to the end of time…only if you could see what we see - how powerful and magnificent you are; only if you could know what we know about you- that you are made of nothing else but of the pure love and light; only if you could believe how much you are loved and blessed … you wouldn’t ever need to feel insecure or lonely; you wouldn’t ever need to beg for some crumbs of love …because YOU ARE THAT LOVE…’’